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Neverland迎着太阳 眯眼看灰蒙蒙的城市掉眼泪 又将离开我的故乡 November 14 大山大水大佛我在夜色里看念青唐古拉山 火车疲惫地驶在雪山之中 车头的灯饱满地洒在冻土上 有力的前行着 山脉寂静如沉海 驶向越深处越暗 零星的哨所透出森严的灯光来 心中生出慰藉和温暖 日月渐隐 似全隐没在雪山之后 不久 沙漠里却横出一片松绿来 那是青海湖 庞大的水源止镇了干渴的西部 大昭寺外 香火不断 烛油不竭 门外的大理石和阿坝土早已被磨得异常平整光洁 寺内常年不见日光 烛火通明 香客灌来一壶又一壶的烛油 神佛在烛火下金光灿烂 一间又一间的小神龛用铁帘轻遮漫掩着 更显得躯体金贵 僧人用水洒扫光洁的地面 焚香被水珠抓住 轻埋在水气之下 绕主殿外是一圈转经轮 一半安静地立在白色屋檐下荫处 一半暴晒在明晃晃的高原日头下 上屋里坐着两个喇嘛和一直黑猫 安稳地看着过客 布达拉宫的众神们皆金碧辉煌 腾云驾雾 如山之尊 如海之阔 坛城金光熠熠 红黄两教势力不相上下 过去佛 未来佛 现世佛都有不同的真身和法相 经卷填满了满墙的神龛 皆为无价珍宝 达赖们的灵座 灵塔皆存放在红宫之中却唯独不见仓央嘉措 是为天涯海角皆可落地生根 老喇嘛们在耗牛做成的毡子下诵念经文 高原的阳光和白皙的宫墙反射出圣洁的光来 光印在经文纸上 经文印在落日红的袈裟上 袈裟披在羊毛毡子上 一丝不苟 恭恭敬敬 大山大水大佛 即是如此 August 24 phantom painThe only part I feel grateful about surgery is the sedation part where sensation is lost, memory evaporated and pain disappeared.
Time seems to soar by quickly like a gust of wind.
All I can remember is the melody of The Beatles swirling in the operating room.
It is the morning of a surgery day. Everything runs normal for everybody.
The clock in this nuclear medicine room never astray from 2, as if time has never been correct except for 2am and 2pm.
Doctor walks in, first to apologize for the pain I have to endure in the next 3 seconds as if I am a victim already.
Doctors are like story tellers, sometimes vivid, sometimes plain. But I never heard them telling the same story about pain.
His assistant opens up a heavy metal box within which sit two syringes. Each contains certain amount of radioactive medicine.
After a quick peek, I surrender myself to this man in a knowledgable white robe with an ignorant hope that his story about pain is just fiction.
I know my eyes must look down, muscles firm up and teeth clenched to accommodate this.
First there is a sharp sting, then there is a hell. It feels like all the cells in my thumb are stabbing themselves with a knife.
Soon, as is promised, I see a beautiful drop of blood coming underneath my nailbed.
The clock on the wall still points at 2 as if nothing happened, a crime erased from the register book.
Yesterday I was thinking about our dream club in college. I never had a chance to be in part of the show other than directing it.
Here I am in the States playing around the idea of establishing a theater club of my own.
When the culture is meager and rough I miss how we used to scream, to howl and to fly.
Really, that is all I can recall about this surgery - The Beatles. Everyone is trying to take it light. The pain of flesh is nothing.
I remember the long needle piercing through my skin next to neck.
I remember the doctor ask his residents to push the syringe.
I don't remember if I felt the pain.
My neurons are under rest, my sensations are under rest.
The next thing I can remember is people talking to me.
And all the sudden, I burst into tears, fluids of unconcious sadness pushing out of the body.
Nurse tells me this is side effect of the anethesia. And I believe her. I am feeling sleepy, it might be the morphine and pain killer. Everyone who survive from cancer is a hero.
Everyone who die from cancer is also a hero.
Imagine there is no illness.
What a bliss it would be.
June 14 无题自从被诊断得了MELANOMA之后 脑袋好像自行有了新的使命 自觉地有重心地和坏细胞奋斗起来
我可控制利用的部分不多 食色性也 若需要抢占多一点点空间来做别的也是不行的 因为那部分羁绊着你 让你不能瞻前却要顾后
另外长时间地被迫使用左手也似乎让思维方式潜移默化地变动起来 可是又变不出去原来那个脑袋 只能兜个圈再回来
还是厌世出世 还是多愁善感 还是冷眼旁观 还是天马行空 就像被关在牢房常年不见天日的囚犯 忘记何年何月何人被囚 出来时刮个脸照照镜子 还是认得出自己
也许多了几条皱纹 几道疤痕 却宠辱不惊 气定神闲
做人和治国的气度应该是一样的
杭州是小姐似的越来越漂亮了 湖上烟波 夜色靡靡 南宋没几年的皇城根儿脚下歌舞升平 瓦舍酒肆的盛况延续至今
从小和朋友戏耍成长 并未觉自成一格 一离开了杭州 那柔软婉约的江南气就一股一股地流出来了
哪儿生 哪儿长 根就在哪儿 成的林也就在哪儿 你乘云乘雾地走了 林子还在
再回来时 也是像王安忆长恨歌里的小船一橹一橹划进水乡的样子 一股子熟悉的润泽
看什么都是新鲜的 连父亲母亲的脸也是新鲜的 小时候想着长大了要怎样面对他们 才发现那些计略都没用 因为当你长大了 他们已不再是他们了
记得靠在车厢床上看火车爬雪山 看它穿梭在山谷的冻土上 雪花里
那是在傍晚的寂静里 是那种灰蓝色的苍寂
我在寂静里听见时间的巨大鸿蒙 铺天盖地地把感官冷冻起来 你就觉得无比安全 似乎仅仅存于着世上这一点就是安全的
在玛吉阿米看十九世纪一个英国作家写他初次来西藏的札记 听起来像个十足的十九世纪中美国西进运动者 字里行间充满了探险特有的搜刮地理人文味道
日后也该写长文来记载吐蕃国之行
叹新上STAR TREK的特技做地不错 可是没了Gene Roddenberry操刀写故事 就又淹没在一堆好莱坞片子里
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